Why do You bless such an undeserving man? You give me so much when I can barely acknowledge you....

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:34:35 -0500

Why do You bless such an undeserving man? You give me so much when I can barely acknowledge you. What have I done that has gained your approval?

it always seems impossible

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:36:00 -0500

until it is done

If only I were ignorant enough to accept You as You are without question, or intelligent enough to...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:02:52 -0500

If only I were ignorant enough to accept You as You are without question, or intelligent enough to understand You and Your magic.

As it is, I’m too smart not to doubt, but not wise enough to know why.

Sometimes, I want to do so much that I overwhelm myself. I become so discouraged by the lack of time...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:59:36 -0500

Sometimes, I want to do so much that I overwhelm myself. I become so discouraged by the lack of time and energy I have, and that renders me incapacitated. Even the simplest projects becomes insurmountable.

That’s how I feel right now. I want and need to make a todo list, but even that is impossible.

to my kids

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:03:19 -0500

Never let the cynicism of your elders infect you. The world can be, and is, a good place. Humans can be, and many are, good people. I hope you can embody that, and afflict others with your positivity. You will be called naive, idealistic, stubborn, non-critical. Take those words in with pride. They recognize your positivity, and do not understand it. Care especially for them, as they may have lost faith in the good.

"What a wretched man I am. Who will save me from this body of death?"

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 02:37:27 -0500

“What a wretched man I am. Who will save me from this body of death?”

- Romans 7:24

Photo

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 02:35:49 -0500

new years

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 02:05:16 -0500

There is no resolution to keep this blog, just to be clear. Once in a while, I may need this, and it’ll be here, just in case. I hate to be a complainer, but I need to vent. The thing is, the only thing I need to vent about is myself.

I am so often utterly disappointed and ashamed at the person I am. I am cowardly, dishonest, delusional, conceited, proud. There is only one thing I want to be, and that is good. Not good at something, because I’m actually quite good at many little things. Not great, but certainly better than average. I want to be good, as in a good person. My definition of a good person is Jesus, plain and simple. Whether you believe him to be God or not, there is no doubt that he was an exemplary human. Why is it so hard though? Despite my desire to be good, I so often fail at it. I don’t just slightly fail, but I fail miserably. Why is it so difficult to stay honest? Why is it so difficult to be generous and giving? I so desire to be it, yet when faced with a situation, I fail, almost by default. I don’t mean that I lie and am greedy all the time. I mean that I seem to lie and am greedy when it matters the most, and am somewhat good when it matters the least.

How am I supposed to raise Leah and my son like this? How am I supposed to be an example to them, when I am so utterly not good?

Leah, all I want for you is to be a good person. Whatever you decide to be, I hope that you first be kind, honest, generous, patient. None of them are easy, especially in the world we live in. People may consider you weak and soft. That isn’t so. It takes strength to be kind, honest, generous, and patient. It also takes courage. It takes conviction.

I am so proud that you show so much empathy, and I hope you will act on it always. You may stand out for doing so, but it isn’t such a bad thing. The sad thing is that if goodness was more common, it wouldn’t stand out so much. When you do stand out, you stand out as an example to everyone. Your empathy will inspire many, and can change the world for the better. Your empathy will surround you with people who will love and appreciate you. I hope that your empathy will be boundless, non discriminating, all encompassing. I believe in you, and will do everything I can to help you nurture it.

Son, I’ve looked forward to you for so long. Now that you’re coming, I feel so inadequate to be your father. I wanted so bad to raise you as a good strong man. I want to be everything I am not. I want for you to truly be a gift to the world, to set an example as a human being. You are yet to be born, and I already have this burden for you. How unfair it will be for you to be my son. I will try my best though. I am not be an example of good for you to follow, but I will keep trying.

I have yet to meet you, but I already feel that you will be a person full of passion and energy. I hope I can help you direct them to good. I don’t know how I plan to do so, but I will always try. I will likely fail you many times, but I promise I won’t give up on it. Despite my own desires of who I want you to be, know that I will be proud of you regardless. I won’t lie. I will be more proud if you become my dream. However, I’ will be prouder still when you show me that you know what is best for you.

Kids, it may take a lifetime to become a truly good person. It will be difficult. Even when you become good, I’m sure it’ll be difficult to stay good. There is many things that will tempt you astray. Don’t lose faith though, I have faith in you both. That goes for anything. Don’t ever give up. Be resilient, steadfast. Believe in yourself. Others may call you stubborn, but I will consider you determined.

Along the way, you fill make many mistakes. You will fail. Many times. It will be tempting to blame others for your lack of success, but I hope you learn to own your failures. Be accountable. Once you have done so, you will truly learn from them, and become stronger. Besides God, you are most in control of your destiny. Don’t blame others. That game can go on forever. It holds no promise, and no lesson. Nothing will have changed for the better when you divert the blame.

I don’t know much kids. I will teach you everything I do though. I know you both have greatness in you. Whatever the future holds, I am already so utterly proud of you both. I promos to you that I will work to be a father you will be proud of as well. I hope so much to be a good father.

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